A Different Sort of Big Bang
by The Impossible Slashtronaut
Summary: The Doctor and River have hot, universe-distorting sex; Amy and Rory watch; and a black hole threatens to destroy the TARDIS from the inside. My first shot at Eleven/River. Contains somewhat explicit sex. IN PROGRESS – CURRENTLY ON HIATUS.
1. Chapter 1

**Literally just churned this out in English class. Can't brain won't brain just SANTA MOFF I LOVE YOU HAVE MY SANITY AND/OR BABIES. THE SERIES 6 TRAILER BROKE MY BRAIN AND NOW I'M REDUCED TO CAPSLOCK! YAY! INSERT UNINTELLIGIBLE FANGIRL SQUEEING AND/OR BLATHERING AND FLAILING HERE. Lo and behold, time for my first crack at Eleven/River. And it's a perfectly kinky lemon. D'YOU KNOW WHY I AM WRITING THIS? BECAUSE OF THIS… RIVER/ELEVEN: IT'S CANON, BITCHES! Doctor Who is property of the Almighty, Santa Moff.**

* * *

"It's time you found out who I really am," whispered River Song.

She leaned in towards the Doctor, eyes closed.

The Doctor wanted this more than anything else in the entire universe. He leaned in too.

They kissed.

The Doctor ran his hand up River's arm in utter passion.

They clung together, embracing lovers, their faces neatly meshing into each other.

After a few minutes they broke apart. They both had wild, hungry looks on their faces, drinking in each other's image.

After a few seconds of blissfully intense silence, the Doctor leaned over and whispered in River Song's ear.

"I've figured it out. You are my wife, River Song. And we are madly in love."

"Spoilers," said River smugly. She pulled the Doctor back into an even more passionate kiss. The Doctor shivered with happiness.

Outside the Doctor's room aboard the TARDIS, Amy and Rory watched the Doctor and his wife through a crack in the door. They squeed, they high-fived, they silently cheered.

The Doctor and River began to undress.

Rory stared hungrily through the crack at the Doctor's nude body. He drooled a little and moaned perversely. Amy playfully whacked him on the side of the head; she knew Rory had a thing for the Doctor. The two resumed watching.

The Doctor and River Song's bodies melded into each other – one could call this perfect sex, but that would offend a lot of people.

Especially Amy.

River moaned with pleasure as the Doctor entered her. He kissed her forehead.

"You're like the TARDIS, River. You're bigger on the inside," he whispered naughtily, River laughed. As the Doctor continued to penetrate, she began to moan.

"_Oh, sweetie… oh, sweetie, yes… yes… yes…"_

Just as the Doctor and River reached climax, something exploded within the TARDIS.

The sound echoed throughout the time machine. Amy and Rory stopped watching their Time Lord friend have incredible sex and worriedly turned around toward the direction of the explosion. The Doctor pulled out of River, pulled on a bathrobe, and grabbed his Sonic Screwdriver ((NO, NO, NO, NOT LIKE THAT YOU PERVS!)) He opened the door, pushing Amy and Rory aside, not noticing their incredibly scared yet incredibly horny facial expressions. He ran toward the swimming pool-library. River scrambled to put on a skimpy negligee (at least she'd be wearing something) and hurried out, following the Doctor. Amy and Rory, now concerned, followed suit.

* * *

Inside the swimming pool-library, a small black hole had formed just above one of the bookshelves. It was sucking up everything. Book were ripped off of their shelves and pulled into the rapidly expanding vortex of certain death. Dark matter began to spill out of the hole, causing rifts and distortions in the field of vision. The Doctor readied his sonic screwdriver; River pulled her laser pistol out of her pocket and pointed it at the gaping wormhole.

"One shot should do it," said River Song confidently. She winked at her husband, and fired.

* * *

**To be continued…**


	2. Chapter 2

**10 days until Judgment Day arrives and we can finally squee and unf and scream like little girls and rage against the Moff and explode with angst and flail and implode with epic and poik. I am trying my darndest to avoid spoilers for the opening two-parter (damn lucky people in New York and London who got to see the press screenings!) Here's the next chunk of glory in my Eleven/River saga. Enjoy!**

**Doctor Who is property of the BBC, Our Moff Who Art In London, and the guy who invented Jelly Babies. Warning: this chapter contains an embarrassing secret, guilty!River, and angsty/immature!Doctor. There will be more sex in later chapters; there's just some hugging in this one... and implied oral sex.**

* * *

The shot flew out of the barrel like greased lightning. In an instant, it made contact with the vortex' center. The centre began to sputter and crackle with massive amounts of dark, otherworldly energy, swirling reverse into nothing. It was as if nothing happened.

"Well, that was rather anti-climactic," sighed River. She put her hands on the Doctor's chest and nuzzled him. The Doctor turned his head down and nuzzled her back, putting his arms around her. The library had gone eerily quiet, as if all became silence. The Doctor and River's embrace grew tighter. Amy and Rory, standing to the side, looked on at the lovers and d'awwed.

Out of the space where the dark churning void used to be flew something thick and made of paper. It landed with a thump at the Doctor's feet. Breaking his hold on his wife, he knelt down to pick up the object. He looked at it for a second, and embarrassedly clutched it to his chest.

"The TARDIS manual?" questioned River, picking the book out of the Doctor's shaking hands. "I thought you threw it in a supernova." She flipped through it, back to front, when something scribbled on the inside cover caught her eye.

"Oh, look... this is property of The Doctor... or should I say Miles?" said River with a grin. She looked down at the name printed in bold, almost blocky handwriting. Yes, it said 'Miles' on the page. The name had been crossed out, 'The Doctor' written above the old name in TARDIS-blue ink, bold teenage letters that screamed out "I'm unique and have a special name that makes me more mysterious and better than you." River stroked the centuries-old penmanship lovingly.

"Miles?" Amy and Rory gasped, then doubled over in laughter.

"Your real name is Miles?" said Amy, breathless from laughing too hard. She took a deep breath, and doubled over again in hysterics.

"Seriously? The Doctor's name is Miles? Can I get a LOL?" Rory howled, still in pain from laughing too hard.

The Doctor blushed deeply, and embarrassedly grabbed the manual out of River's hand. He stuffed the manual in his jacket pocket sheepishly and headed out of the library-swimming pool, back toward the console room.

"No, Doctor, wait, come back!" shouted River. It was no use. She had embarrassed her husband in front of his friends and she was to blame. Guilt washed over her.

She turned toward Amy and Rory, who were still on the floor, giggling uncontrollably. She looked at them, two hyenas in hysterics laughing over something she never wanted anyone but the Doctor to know. The name of the Doctor was a secret between them and them only. Collecting her thoughts, she hurried out of the library-swimming pool to wherever her Doctor had gone inside his magical blue box.

* * *

The Doctor sat sullenly on the floor underneath the console, absentmindedly brushing the wiring with his fingers. He had gotten dressed, and applied a disturbing amount of eyeliner, much of which was dripping down the sides of his face with his tears.

River, now dressed in something other than her bathrobe, cautiously approached the console. She knelt down beside her husband, and kissed his forehead. He didn't respond.

"I'm sorry," began River. "I'm sorry I had to embarrass you like that. In front of Amy and Rory, no less. It's my fault all of this happened, the black hole, the manual's appearance, everything." The Doctor gave a grunt, which River supposed meant apology accepted. She smiled at her Doctor.

"I think I know how to cheer you up," she whispered. In a slow, intentional movement, she unzipped the Doctor's trousers and pulled them down.

"Oh, River," said the Doctor, eyes widening. A grin crept across his lips. "Yes."

River pulled his boxers down, and looked at her Doctor's member. It was huge. It throbbed in her hand.

"Spoilers," grinned the Doctor.


End file.
